Perhaps we should insert the subtitle, “Or: Questions You Should Never Have to Ask Your Sister’s New Boyfriend.”

Beyond the obvious, boring questions about his job, college major, and siblings, why not put your sister’s boyfriend through a true test this holiday season? I mean, it’s not every day you get to scare another man shitless with a slew of (well, let’s not say “trick”) questions for a good cause…

1. What’s the name of your parole officer?

2. Percocet or Vicodin?

3. When’s your unemployment check going to run out?

4. What was the best thing accomplished by the Bush administration?

5. How much do your parents pay for your rent each month?

6. Can I see your hands [to look for incriminating marks/bitten fingernails]?

7. What’s the name and address of your last girlfriend?

8. Can I see your driver’s license [to take down the number…just in case]?

9. Do you have any active restraining orders against you? (When he says no, jump to expired.)

10. Who are you paying child support to now?

11. How many six-packs did you drink last Friday?

12. What’s your most regrettable tattoo?

13. Who gave you that scar?

14. What’s the last book you’ve read?

15. [To elaborate:] How interesting! Can you tell me the main characters’ full names and the plot, in medium detail?

16. When was the last time you spoke to your parents?

17. “South Park” or “Family Guy”… or “Bob’s Burgers”?

18. So, what’s your shrink like?

19. Oh, yeah? Will you give me his number? (So you can get the real answers to all of the above.)