Isn’t social media just the greatest? In days long ago, before Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, and all that other shit took over the planet, we had no available platform to publicly document our every move or express every single thought that passed through our heads. Boring people with baby pictures was reserved for dinner parties, and only foisted upon people we actually knew. And if you wanted anyone to see you with your shirt off, you had to go to the beach. Well, for better or worse, those days are over. We share way too much about our lives with way too many people, but at least one thing remains the same: no one cares. Anyway, there are a lot of different types of people in the world, and a lot of different ways they view and use social media. Which one are you?
Their brains are linked directly to all their accounts. They constantly post the most inane information about themselves dozens of times throughout any given day. They like and/or comment on your posts within seconds. Someone needs to invent a digital methadone app for these people.
2. Casual Users:
They post something once a week or less and might like the occasional post, but only comment if they actually have something to say. They might have a Twitter or Instagram account, but they rarely, if ever, use it. These are the people we should aspire to be like.
The opposite of addicts, these people try to refuse any form of social media activity. They only have Facebook pages because they need one to listen to Spotify. Friend requests sit unanswered for a year or more. They’re like people who are proud about never watching TV. Social media is part of our lives now. Ignoring it’s not going to change that.
4. The Popularity Obsessed:
Maybe in the early days, there were people who were impressed by those users who had a ridiculous number of friends and followers, but now we know it’s all bullshit. Collecting digital profiles of people and believing they’re actually your friends is very, very sad.
These guys are the worst. They’re online as often as the addicts, but they only read and never post. And girls, if you don’t think they’re saving your pics to their desktops for “private viewing,” you’re living in a dream world.
No, wait — these guys are the worst. Deriving satisfaction from deliberately trying to piss people off is sociopathic behavior. They get off on negative attention, which is something we’re supposed to outgrow by the age of nine. Please ignore these people. If you don’t feed them, they’ll go away.
Okay, I was wrong. Bullies are the absolute worst. Trolls make a game out of being assholes, but at least they usually don’t know the people they’re antagonizing in real life. These assholes actually have an impact that carries over outside digital life. Fuck these people.
These are the people who think the government or whoever actually gives a shit about their pathetic little lives. They create fake accounts, have limited friends, and promote privacy protection apps like there’s no tomorrow.
Social media allows you the freedom to control how you’re perceived, and these people change their personalities frequently, presumably to respond to feedback. I wonder what these people are like in real life. Or if they even have real lives.
People who get excited about being first to post a comment have clearly never won anything of value in their entire lives.
11. Validation Seekers:
The girls who post bikini pics. The guys who don’t seem to own any shirts. The ones who always brag about job promotions, their exercise routines, places they’ve been. Yes, you’re a beautiful and unique snowflake, but we all know you secretly hate yourself.
Does anyone give the first shit about a picture of your food? Jesus Christ.
13. Mr. or Mrs. Inspiration:
Thank god for these people who post these little nuggets of conventional wisdom to brighten my day. Social media certainly has no shortage of wannabe life coaches.
I actually kinda like these guys. They’re the ones who always post whatever Neil Degrasse Tyson is up to, or links to I Fucking Love Science. At least the rabbit holes they lead you down result in education.
15. Political Junkies:
These guys like to try and validate their beliefs with links to biased news stories and clips. But more often than not, they’re not interested in sparking a debate. They just want you to agree with them or keep your mouth shut.
Look, I’m really glad you saw that movie the day it opened or watched that TV show when it actually aired, but some of us don’t have time to consume our entertainment the nanosecond it becomes available. Stop telling me what you think about who died on "Game of Thrones" four seconds after it happened. Fuck you.