Loving you was one of the hardest time periods of my life...
And then I lost you...
There were days I didn't know if I'd ever be able to breathe after that.
It hurt like hell taking knives in the back from you day after day, but I couldn't tell which was worse; this intense, degrading, personal attack form of pain
or knowing I'd never get to see your beautiful another day.
Cause you see, as much as you tore me apart and scattered the remains
as if they were meaningless to you and easy to replace
I'll never blame you entirely
because I chose to love the pain.
I chose to let you be the sole focus of my brain.
Call it insanity, obsession, codependancy issues or just plain illness in my head seeking reciprocation or validation to allow myself to be okay.
At the end of it all, I couldn't tell if I was more addicted to your love or the way you'd pull me back in telling me it wouldn't happen another day.
There were moments when I'd see the light in your eyes, so close to remorseful, when you'd say so quietly and genuinely that you didn't know how to love any other way.
"How can you expect me to create light when the world has put me through a dark cold hell thats left me deprived of a chance to love and feel safe"
Thats what my heart felt your eyes would say in moments when you'd look that way...
So I'd endure the rage.
The fires between us, singeing both of our hearts
leaving us both hating ourselves, but too broken and infatuated to be apart.
Because as damaged as it was and how much baggage and energy we both threw at the flames;
it was the most beautiful, raw, vulnerable, eccentric love to me
and it burned my soul in such a cherished yet painful way.
I'd have willingly gone to hell and back just to see your soul glow as much as the spark it seemed to flow into my own.
Some days it felt like the only way you'd believe the level of honesty and validity was to make that hell a reality.
Or maybe thats just what you had to endure mentally on the daily...
And me begging, chasing and continuing to run back asking to be let in
was as much helpful as it was hurtful cause I don't think either of us intended for it all to go this way.
I think of moments like last year in the plymouth apartment
where we stood in the kitchen, busy preparing food for you and the boys cause it was saturday.
The way you paused, locked eyes with me, walked forward as you grabbed my waist, kissing me telling me you wouldn't ever want to throw us away
that you loved me, and finally felt like you could maybe be okay.
You could no longer love me another day.
I was an ungrateful bitch
and you could have anyone you wanted who would be a much better partner anyway.
I sat and trembled, desperately searching my brain for how I could fix the mistakes I didn't realize I had made.
Hating myself, trying with everything within me to improve and go back to the moments when the way you looked at me showed me that you'd love me and we could get through this...
Baby girl, it'll be okay...
Hearing the thoughts you had of me, listening to your voice get louder as you screamed at me
leaving me completely in a daze
as the fire in your soul and your eyes grew to a point of rage.
I thought we'd never bounce back
hoping we'd be okay
wishing I could die cause I never meant to fuck it all up this way.
Wishing I could do anything to help, to take it all away, and have our love restored and the light in your eyes return again...
Replayed in our heads
The self deprecating melody we both would tune into on the daily
but our demons were never fully the same.
At war with our heads
a thousand more burdens thrown at our hearts.
My love, how could we make this grow if we were both constantly falling apart.
Missing you is the main thing on my heart.
I'm back this time
my apologies are real this time
Hold me cause I hate me and I need you to tell me things will be fine.
Validate my soul so I can be alright.
Cause the intimicacy that we breathed wasn't as careless as we made it seem
in the midst of anger when our demons pulled the strings.
Because if a love and a story
that bold, that cold
so much like a rollercoaster recognized by so many souls
as dysfunctional as it always seemed to go...
If a love like that was as ingenuine as you told me it had been,
then bravo to you
you deserve an award for the dedication and realistic performances you've played in.
But my brain, heart and soul have been shattered enough
so I'll leave that train of thought alone.
And ponder what it really was, cause all I'd ever wanted was to finally understand your soul.
Because my love, as much as you hurt me, I know I felt warmth amongst all the cold.
I'll always know that by continuously going back, some of the blame is what I also need to own.
It takes two to love, destroy and carry our own wounded hearts patched together with chins up and a survivors mindset sp we wouldn't fall apart.
Till we can carry on and finally let it go
loving and breaking from the memories that we hold.
Knowing I'd never trade this pain away
cause loving you,
even if only for a little, finally had me feeling like I could maybe be okay.
Our story broke me, more numb and hollow than I've ever been
but I'll never regret that I loved you and kept choosing to let you in.