All that i write, is not with the intention of preaching. Freewill is important to me, and im learning how to love without inserting my narrative onto every character i encounter. I'm shedding a lot of subconcious habits and this is my process of exploring, learning, and trying my best to preach to myself. My main goal this year is growth, personal development and stability. I didn't like who I was, but i have a lot of pride in who I am shaping myself to be.

I'm finally finding freewill for my own soul, and that is something that scares me so deeply to share. By myself is one of the only set/settings I feel I can just be. 

I'm very sensititive to energies, I am an empath. I struggle with PTSD, Bipolar Type 2,  ADD, anxiety; for most of my life I didn't know what it took and what it meant to live with these things as factors of what made up 'self'. I think one thing i struggled with most was differentiating these things as factors, I lived with them as identitifiers for so long. I've come to realize though, that I may have Bipolar, but I am so much more than just Bipolar. 

I've endured a lot of hardships and abuse, and I've found myself so beyond broken that I gave up and let my life fall apart. I've spent this past year dedicated to rebuilding what i allowed to break, and mending my heart, soul, brain. Every space that the abuse left its dark and twisted trail. This is the aftermath of that, in hopes that I get one step closer to healed. 

I want to stop the course of abuse so i stop projecting it too.

This year has shattered a lot of my perspective mindset lenses, I'm learning to be intentional. I am currently in a huge fear facing, expanding, and exploring/ exposure phase. I know a better idea of where I want to go, but don't know the beginning steps of getting out of the learned helplessness to get to my goal. 

I was far past drained, and I'm experiencing renewal through the projects i've set out to accomplish as I continue to build my head and my home into a safe place. It scares me to use my voice, but I know its an important next step in sorting through my brain. 

If you want to learn how to fly, you have to learn how to freefall.

At times it'll sound like I complain a lot (I do sometimes), this is my mind sorting, cleaning, releasing, healing... I'm centering myself.

Finally.

I have a deep base level of gratitude though, I know with the struggles i've gone through I have still been very blessed.

Not many people can say they were able to take an entire year dedicated to healing and personal development, even if it was due to a sprained spine, I know theres a lot of value in this experience I've been going through.

I heard this cycle once, and it changed my mindset when processing my emotions/experiences;

>Forgive > Release > Cleanse> Be grateful> Manifest >

To forgive- I must voice it.

To release- I must hold it, feel it. 

To be grateful- I must shed the forgiven parts.

To manifest- I must take what truth I'm able to take away, learn from my past to better guide myself to an authentic future. 

by repeating this cycle I'm shifting my mental space to an enviroment where I am safe because things are no longer happening to me; they are happening for me. 

My content lacks consistency, and conciceness and although i aim to improve those things and am aware of this problem I want to acknowledge that problem and label this blog as a mental thought pile drop, there are so few places in this world where you can just be and I've found a lot of peace in the randomness. 

I'm going to spend the next month, going through and posting "old content" (from this year), eventually I'd like to shift to posting current material but I have a lot of writings built up, collecting dust.

A lot of it is dark, and can be triggering if your're experiencing mental illness or domestic abuse. Just know it's in the hopes of letting myself, and anyone who can relate, know that we are not alone in the pain.