I've felt pain most of my life. From being abused as a child to never feeling loved by anyone. I've been bullied and beaten, scarred and traumatized but nothing compares to the hurt you caused me. I feel like every part of my body aches, my heart beats too fast and it hurts like knives are stabbing it from 10 different directions. My stomach is in knots and the thought of eating just sends me running to the bathroom. My throat is dry so I can't get a single word out without my voice cracking like shattered glass. With every breath I take tears roll down my face and I can't stop them, they just pour out like a leaky sink. The more I try not to think of you the more I do and the more I'm reminded I'm not wanted.

My own parents didn't want me so I've known rejection but I chose to love you and you loved me back. It's one thing to be rejected by people who don't love you but it's an entirely different feeling to be rejected by someone who once loved you. All the love I had in me was once to love myself and I took that love and gave it all to you so now there's nothing left for me. I'm asking God to borrow his love so I can manage to love myself just enough to pull myself out of this depression.

Our bodies are made up of 70% water but the way I'm crying you'd think I would've disappeared by now. I wish I could be like you and just stop caring. I wish I could forget you like you've forgotten me. I wish I could smile again like I'm sure you're doing. But I can't, I just don't function like that.

I never wanted to feel hurt again in my life. I had finally accepted that my parents didn't love me or ever wanted me. I finally accepted that I'm ok being alone in this world and I'm aloud to love myself. I put my armor away for you, I broke down walls I built 30 years ago, I was well protected and I was doing just fine in life. I gave all that up because I seen a brighter and happier life with you. I never, in a million years, would've thought you'd leave me and break my spirit. You took me back to being 8 years old needing to build a wall and protect myself from hurt. You destroyed every light I had, all the joy that was inside me is now gone. There's nothing left but hurt. I can't even be angry I'm just broken to my core.

I know eventually I'll be ok, everyone says life keeps going and one day you'll look back and laugh at this. But I know I'll never laugh about this. It's like my stomach scar, touching it just reminds me of how I almost lost my life. Yes I'm still alive and I'm still going but that scar is forever a reminder of pain. Just like the thought of you will always be a reminder of pain. I'll continue to live and I'll get my life back on track, I'll rebuild my walls and protect my heart 100 times better. I'll be ok one day but for now I'm a wreck, my heart hurts, my stomach is shrinking, my mind is a jumbled mess, my eyes are swollen and the tears have yet to subside. But yes everyone is somewhat right, one day the tears will stop, my heart won't hurt anymore, I'll be able to eat again, I'll be able to smile without feeling pain. One day life will return to normal, it may take years but I'll be ok just like you're ok. I don't think I'll ever forget you like you've forgotten me but I do hope I can smile without crying when I think of you. Life will go on but for now it's at a standstill until I can manage to take a breath without my lungs cracking.

I'm glad you didn't go through this, I'm glad you can smile and continue with life without hurting. It makes my heart hurt less knowing you're not hurting like I am. I could never wish this kind of pain on you, it's quite unbearable so I'm happy you're happy without me. With time I will heal and I'll be happy, I might not be as happy as you are but I'll get there, eventually. All I can say is I loved you enough to never want to see you hurt. Wish you could've spared me this pain but without this hurt I would've never experienced the love you gave me. So I'll take this pain because I got to experience something I'll probably never have again in my life. So thank you for the pain because without it I would've never known love.