My entire life has been one disaster after another. I know these storms were caused by my own doing, I wholeheartedly admit to that. I've never considered myself a good person, from a very young age I was told I'm not good enough. I was below average student, I was just an average athlete, I had no special talents, I'm average looking. I was never good enough for my parents. I was weird and awkward and had no social skills whatsoever. For a while I tried my damndest to be good enough at anything to just impress my mother, so she'd love me but anytime I felt I had accomplished something wonderful it fell flat and went completely unnoticed. I became the girl who just blended into the beige paint that covered every school building. I was a nobody and realized I'd never amount to anything so I just started doing things to make myself happy. 

I quit caring what others thought of me. I figured I'd live life alone but I was going to enjoy the entire ride along the way. I know in your head you think my ex meant something to me but he didn't. I knew what I wanted in life and that was to travel the world and if I couldn't get my parents approval for the military I figured I'd wait it out by going to college first. But I had nowhere to go because my mom had kicked me out at 17 so my ex was my ticket out of my current hell. He was just a stepping stone, I used him and yes that is extremely wrong and I'm paying for my karma believe me. I had to play the part of course and somehow got caught in a relationship I never wanted and kids I never plan to have. I was trapped and lost and just over life.

The entire life I had planned out for myself had been washed away. I was 23 and hopeless, I wanted more from life and was tired of living like a zombie on autopilot so I left the life I never intended to have. I didn't know how to live life outside of being a mother, my kids were all I had known. Trying to find myself and learn who I was and what I wanted for my future was all I wanted to do. I went back to school and was taking care of my mom. Things were finally going right for me then I lost my custody battle and right after my mom got super sick and died. I felt hopeless all ove again. Like I didn't deserve happiness because everytime things started to go right in my life tragedy would happen.

I started to just give up and give in to the destiny I felt I deserved. I just let everything go, I quit fighting, I didn't care to have a happy future anymore. Here I am 31 and finally deciding to fight back and be happy, I figured the only way I could have happiness is to just be alone and find a routine that made me content. But then I met you, someone I never thought existed. You were so sweet and kind and encouraging. From the moment we started talking I felt a connection I had never felt before in my entire life. I felt so much love from you and all I wanted to do was get to know you even more.

Even when I felt scared I still wanted to know you, I wanted to be enthralled by you. No matter how much you tried to push me away or fight the feelings between us I knew you were the one so I wasn't about to just let you go. These feelings, the love I've never felt before, this desire to want you and be with you forever, it's all very new to me. Its a place I've never been before, I'm discovering so much about myself, so much toxicity I never knew I had. I never felt the need to change my ways or become a better person, but meeting you and wanting to be nothing but the best has forced me to do better, to be better.

I know I'm tough and I have so many layers of rusty armor to strip away but underneath it all is someone with a very fragile and scared heart. Someone damaged, someone who hid her heart because she was tired of being let down. But you brought a spark to me that I thought I lost a long time ago but the only way it can shine through is with you. You were the missing link in my life, I don't know how to go back to living a sad life. Even just the idea of not having you hurts every part of my being. I want so badly to just be good to you but I'm a work in progress, I still have a lot of layers that need to be taken down and destroyed. I need you to be patient with me. Please grow with me, choose me, and work with me. I promise I will not let you down. I will be better, I promise just don't give up on me. I know we can be so amazing together, a life with you is all I can hope for. My happiness only shines through with you by my side. I love you more than anything, I've never before in my life have loved the way I love you and you're the first person to ever love me the same. I need you, I love you, I cannot live a happy life without you. You're my person, you will always be my person.