Once in your life to make you never want to get your hopes up again; I don't believe anyone is born a pessimist, I think it's how we're raised, and all those little disappointments that make us doubt everything in life. Someone who has had good come out of bad becomes an optimistic person because they've had their tragic moments turned into something great. But we're not all that lucky in life.
My mom left me as a newborn, and my entire childhood I was so hopeful to meet her and learn all about who she was, and how we could have that mother daughter relationship I so longed for. But all that hope was gone when I finally found her, and discovered how awful of a person she actually was. All that excitement of finding her and wanting to know her left me hurt and ashamed for believing she was capable of being a good person; hurt for believing she actually cared or was capable of loving me how a mother should. Instead, I learned to never get my hopes up again. I became an emotionless, numb child who feared disappointment.
Anytime things start to go good in my life, I become anxious. I start to freak out, and do things to stop the good. Because in life, when things are perfect and there's nothing bad going on, there's always tragedy lurking around the corner. So I stop the good from happening because I'm terrified of being that hurt little girl again. I'm beyond scared to be hopeful; anytime I've given hope a chance it lets me down, and those let downs have caused me to fear happiness.
I don't allow myself to get excited over the future. I can picture a breakup before the relationship even happens. The vibe can be so perfect, so spot on with someone, and I turn it around and ruin it. I know when my job is going to go to shit, and when I'll need to walk away before I even get hired. I will play every possible outcome in my head before I even think about making a decision. I make wagers with my friends on when things will go wrong, and when it happens, I get to be right and say, "I told you so." These are the happy moments I look forward to, and that is my normal, but to most, it's a sad way to live. Sometimes I wonder if I do this just to see if someone is willing to prove me wrong; prove to me that good things do happen and that everyone finds good at least once in their life, but it has yet to happen.
Good things just don't come to people like me. It's like we were chosen to be here just to show the world what hurt and disappointment looks like. We suffer so the rest of the world can enjoy their happiness. People like me just don't deserve to be happy, so we find what works for us to keep going in life; mine is finding faults when it seems like something is too good to be true. I'm good at finding the negatives and all the bad, I should start a business where I can help others find the faults in any situation they're in. Help people avoid the disappointment I constantly have. Until something good actually happens without a negative backlash, then I'll continue my journey as a pessimist, who finds faults in every single situation I get put in.