Say what you will about Tinder. That it’s nothing but a hook-up app. That it boils potential mates down to the most superficial of first impressions. That it’s removed personality from the laws of attraction. That it’s a huge contributor to widespread herpes. Whatever. That’s the age we live in. We can accept all that. But for god’s sake, let’s try to use it with a modicum of personal responsibility.
The thing about Tinder is that it’s probably the easiest and laziest way to troll for a potential wife/girlfriend/fling/one-night stand. You used to have to get all dressed up, practice your jokes in the mirror, then put it all on the line by going up to girls in bars and clubs and trying to strike up a conversation. With Tinder, you don’t even have to get off the couch. Just keep swiping right until you hit a match. Couldn’t be easier or more anonymous.
But here’s the problem. Some of you guys are doing it wrong. How you’re fucking this up so badly is beyond me. I guess somewhere along the way, someone fed you some bad information about what women find attractive, and since you only practice your game online, you’ve never had your face laughed in or received a knee to the nuts to show you how misguided you really are. Well, I’m here to help.
Below is a list of things you really need to stop doing on Tinder. If you’re guilty of any of these, you are the reason why women write all that cynical shit in their bios. Seriously, you’re screwing it up for the rest of us.
So take a moment, peruse this list, take the hits when they come, then pick up your phone and start making adjustments.
1. Not contacting matches.
Seriously, dude. A cute girl thinks you’re cute. Say hi.
I don’t know, I guess this must work sometimes, but it reeks of scumbag. Even if you’re just looking for a hookup, show a little class. Or at the very least, you could bother to spell out what you’re looking for.
3. Bathroom selfies.
If you absolutely must post a picture of yourself without a shirt on, at least use one from a trip to the beach.
4. Pictures with girls.
I know you’re trying to show what a stud you are, but you’re coming off as a player.
5. Group pictures where you’re not the hot one.
If you’re gonna post pics with your buddies, make sure they’re uglier than you are.
6. Leaving the “about me” section blank.
If you can’t think of one interesting or funny thing to say about yourself, you’re probably going to be single for a long time.
7. Posting conditions in the “about me” section.
“I don’t swipe right unless you have a full body pic,” “Don’t ask me how tall I am,” etc. Fuck you, dude. It’s fucking Tinder.
8. Over-using emojis.
Use a winky smiley face to sign off if you must. But even that’s pushing it.
9. Indefinite chatting.
Shit or get off the pot, brother. You weren’t looking for a pen pal.
10. Not texting back questions.
Jesus, I’ll spell it out for you. You have to keep the conversation going. You can’t just answer her question and call it a day. Give her something to respond to.
11. Putting a quote in your “About Me.”
This is just lazy. But it’s not just guys. Not even close. And my god, do they love to misquote Wayne Gretzky with: “You miss 100 percent of the CHANCES you don’t take.” Seriously. It’s an epidemic.
12. Posting that picture with that fish you caught.
You’re one of millions with the same exact fucking photo. No one cares.
13. Selfies in the gym.
When at the gym, the only use for your phone is listening to your workout mix.
Don’t try to pose for your Tinder shot. It comes off as desperate.
15. Posting your Instagram.
Fuck, dude. Stop degrading Tinder’s good name by pimping your other social media.
16. Pictures With Celebrities.
This is probably worse here in L.A., where everybody and their brother encounters a famous person at least once a week. It does not make you seem cooler.
17. Misusing you’re and your.
It’s not that fucking hard, dimwit (feel free to call me out if I make that mistake in this article).
Would you ever walk up to a girl in a bar and just say “Hey,” then stand there and stare at her until she said something back? No, you’d say something funny and/or memorable. Same rules apply.
19. Setting your gender wrong.
I’m tired of dudes coming up when I’m swiping. How did you fuck this up?
20. Tinder Moments.
Does anyone ever use this except 20-something girls in need of the occasional ego boost? If you’re using them, stop. Just stop.
21. “Wild” animals.
You posing next to a heavily sedated tiger does not make you Ernest Hemmingway. But then, if you’re the kind of guy who has this kind of picture, you probably don’t know who Ernest Hemmingway is.
Yeah, sunglasses make everybody look cool. Because no one can see what you really look like.
24. Posting a picture you’re not even fucking in.
Wow, that’s a pretty sunset. Go fuck yourself.
25. Saying “Tinder is stupid” in your bio.
Yeah, no shit it’s stupid. What the fuck are we all doing?