Sorry, serial misogynists and date rapists, but your time is over. Actually, no one’s sorry about that. Those douche bags have been giving the rest of us a bad name for too long. But here’s the thing. Whether we agree with it in principle or not, we have to accept the notion that we live in a culture of “toxic masculinity.” We have no choice. If you argue against it, you’re going to come off as the asshole. It’s a new world, and it’s either adapt or perish. So with that in mind, there are a few philosophies that need to be edited and amended, so let’s start with the Bro Code.
1. The saying “bros before hoes” can now only be used in reference to gardening.
2. No bro shall touch a woman in any way without express written consent signed before at least three female witnesses.
3. Any tweet a bro sends must be okayed first by a lawyer and a publicist.
4. A bro shall never use texting abbreviations such as “u”, “r”, or “2.”
5. A bro does not take a selfie unless it is to be used exclusively for a dating app.
6. A bro does not drink alone — that’s how trouble starts.
7. All groups of bros must now have at least one female member, one homosexual member, and one member of a different ethnicity.
8. It is acceptable for bros to make fun of guys with man-buns, but not because they look girly, only because they look stupid.
9. Bros have to stop being so goddamn picky about craft beers.
10. A bro keeps his phone in his pocket — not on a bar or tabletop.
11. When a bro gets too drunk, his fellow bros become responsible for his actions.
12. Bros do not wax body hair, although some shaving is acceptable.
13. A bro never takes a picture of his food. I mean, seriously. What the fuck?
14. If a bro finds another bro’s girlfriend on Tinder, he must immediately contact said bro ... after he tries to match with her.
15. A bro does not sing a romantic song at karaoke unless tricked into it by other bros.
16. Bros are not allowed to talk about fucking Cross-Fit.
17. There is no acceptable excuse for a bro not having seen The Godfather.
18. A bro must stand up against any injustice he witnesses, although it is acceptable to run away if the offender is bigger than he is.
19. Bros do not participate in unnecessarily complicated handshakes.
20. Bros must stop saying things like “bro code.” In fact, stop saying “bro” altogether.