Trump: “I’m, like, a really smart person.”
Translation: “For my entire life, I’ve surrounded myself with yes men who have inflated my ego so much, I’ve lost touch with reality.”
Trump: “Money is starting to pour in to NATO.”
Translation: “I have no idea how NATO works, but it’s got to be like paying membership dues at one of my country clubs, right?”
Trump: “I know words. I have the best words.”
Translation: “I’m not so great with words, but for some reason, you all keep listening to me.”
Trump: “It’s fake news.”
Translation: “They’re mean to me.”
Trump: “Never has there been a president, with few exceptions … who has passed more legislation and who has done more things than we’ve done.”
Translation: “I’m extremely insecure about the fact that I’ve passed no major legislation and have record-low approval ratings. If you won’t validate me, I’ll just validate myself.”
Trump: “I’m president! Can you believe it?”
Translation: “I’m president? I can’t believe it. Somebody please help me.”
Trump: “Nobody knew health care could be so complicated.”
Translation: “I never expected to have to back up all that bullshit I said on the campaign trail, so I never bothered to actually look into it until now.”
Trump: “I don’t watch CNN.”
Translation: “I obsessively watch CNN. I really want Anderson Cooper to like me. Why doesn’t he like me?”
Trump: “Look at my African-American over here.”
Translation: “Holy shit, there’s a black guy here? How did he get in?”
Trump: “There is nobody who respects women more than I do.”
Translation: “Grab them by the pussy.”
Trump: “Believe me.”
Translation: “I’m lying. Or I don’t know what I’m talking about. Probably both.”
Trump: “The failing New York Times”
Translation: “I may have singlehandedly saved the New York Times with my crazy bullshit.”
Trump: “Really bad people.”
Translation: “Anyone who disagrees with me or doesn’t tell me how great I am is really mean, and I’m gonna tell my mom on them.”
Trump: “Nobody loves the bible more than I do.”
Translation: “I don’t read books unless I’m on the cover. And even then, I only skim them.”
Trump: “I don’t have a racist bone in my body.”
Translation: “I hate everyone equally.”
Trump: “Everything I’ve done virtually has been a tremendous success.”
Translation: “I used the word ‘virtually’ there, which means ‘almost,’ right? Like ‘virtual reality’ means ‘almost reality.”
Trump: “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.”
Translation: “Wow, I really underestimated how stupid you people are.”
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